Dear Queerantine,
Let’s give space to our stories
My first queer crush… honestly, I don’t know what my first queer crush was. I mean I know when I was conscious of my first queer crush but after that first queer crush turned into my first great queer love I began to realize that maybe that wasn’t the first crush, but rather the first time I allowed a deep and meaningful and truly human connection with another woman to feel like a crush.
Looking back now, there were a lot of other friends who were girls who made me feel safe and heard in ways that not all of my friends could. Maybe those were my first crushes? I’m not really sure? But what’s something I would say to my former self? I’ll cover it in the next prompt because while I’m still trying to make sense of how I feel or what label I ascribe to myself, I think there is one think that has stood out in my mind, and the only thing that has helped to calm any anxiety or frustration or curiosity or shame.
🍻 Victoria, Canada
P.S. What have you learned since then that you’d like to share with others?
I think the word “queer” or the idea of “queerness” is different for everybody, and truthfully, at the end of the day, I think that’s the beauty of it. It’s more than just existing within the spectral space between being straight and being gay; it represents the spectrum of life that we all exist within. At least for me it does. The thought of labeling myself feels definite. Honestly, it’s been the source of a lot of anxiety. It feels like a declaration to the world indicating that this is me because of the gender of the person I love. It’s tough because it feels like a big deal to embrace those queer feelings but I think what I’ve learned is it’s not.
Queerness is what has allowed me to recognize the spectrum, and in turn, it has allowed me to love fearlessly. Embracing queerness for me, was embracing the space between being gay and being straight. My queerness has been a journey through learning to listen to my heart louder than I listened to the world and it gave me the courage to forge a relationship through a love that was not only devoted and true to my partner but also devoted and true to myself (until it wasn’t… but that’s not the focus of this story lol).
To me, queerness is love. Plain and simple. It opened up my world to allow me to truly feel what was in my heart in a shameless kind of way… In a liberating kind of way. It has allowed me to be more honest with myself. I don’t know where my story will take me next. What I do know, though, is that if I keep true to the part of myself that was unafraid to dive into a relationship that looked unlike any other I had seen in my family or been in before, if I keep true to the bravery to love blindly, a bravery that my queerness allowed me to embrace, I know that the rest of my story will turn out alright.
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