Dear Queerantine,
Let’s give space to our stories
My first Queer crush was my class’ girl bully, M, in third grade. I know, I know. How could I have a crush on a girl who made me feel so awful? Just hear me out.
She was pretty and strong and knew how to get what she wanted. I had never felt these weird sensations before. I was shook.
The moment I knew I had feelings was during class when we got paired. She made fun of literally everything about me, from my hair to the shoes I wore. I wanted to cry but also wanted her to keep talking to me. I liked seeing her make eye contact with me and hearing her talk to me. I remember getting super smiley whenever she said my name. It was so wild.
I didn’t react too positively to my first Queer feelings tbh. (one of like 20 regrets on my ever growing list). I tried to drown it out when I wasn’t in school. (I was pretty young). It sorta became my little secret, dirty laundry if you will. I grew to accept them later down the road, like many years later. The hardest part was trying to get the status quo out of my head. Straight was normal and I just wanted to fit in.
The only thing I would change about this is, to make my younger self stick up for me. M said some hella mean things and I just took it because I liked her. (horrible foreshadowing years from now). Other than that, I would let younger me feel all warm and soft about this girl. Feel the emotions, babes!
🤘 Chicago, IL, US
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We know from personal experience that desire is complicated. And feelings often strike well before we have words to describe them.
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