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January 17, 2021 by Dear Queerantine

Mariager, Denmark

Mariager, Denmark
January 17, 2021 by Dear Queerantine

Dear Queerantine,

Let’s give space to our stories

My first queer crush is hard to define. I have always been hyperaware of my inner life, so I started questioning my sexuality when I was 12 before I had even had a crush but because of imposter syndrome, even though I was aware that I was gay was a possibility, I didn’t recognize my feelings for girls as anything not platonic in many years. Looking back they definitely were not just platonic.

When I was 14, I was in a choir that had a week long tour mostly in Germany but also in Belgium and Holland. That meant that we had to sit in the bus a lot. I sat at the back of the bus with a girl that was one year older than me but was definitely way more mature than I was. Every time she talked to me I would get so excited and happy but I also felt paranoid that she would notice that I looked at her every time the group would begin to laugh to see if she did too or how my face lit up when she noticed me.

I was so afraid to be seen as creepy that I didn’t make any effort to spend more time with her, which I regret now because she was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and maybe we could have been friends. How didn’t I realize that it’s not very straight of me to watch the same YouTube video of our choir performing a song where she is the lead singer and only focus on her? Compulsory heterosexuality definitely had its grip tight around me.

👻 Mariager, Denmark

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