Dear Queerantine,
Let’s give space to our stories
My first queer crush is hard to define. I have always been hyperaware of my inner life, so I started questioning my sexuality when I was 12 before I had even had a crush but because of imposter syndrome, even though I was aware that I was gay was a possibility, I didn’t recognize my feelings for girls as anything not platonic in many years. Looking back they definitely were not just platonic.
When I was 14, I was in a choir that had a week long tour mostly in Germany but also in Belgium and Holland. That meant that we had to sit in the bus a lot. I sat at the back of the bus with a girl that was one year older than me but was definitely way more mature than I was. Every time she talked to me I would get so excited and happy but I also felt paranoid that she would notice that I looked at her every time the group would begin to laugh to see if she did too or how my face lit up when she noticed me.
I was so afraid to be seen as creepy that I didn’t make any effort to spend more time with her, which I regret now because she was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and maybe we could have been friends. How didn’t I realize that it’s not very straight of me to watch the same YouTube video of our choir performing a song where she is the lead singer and only focus on her? Compulsory heterosexuality definitely had its grip tight around me.
👻 Mariager, Denmark
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