Dear Queerantine,
Let’s give space to our stories
Iām not sure if it happens to a lot of us, but going back through time for decades, itās very blurry. I didnāt even know how to describe the feeling at that time or if it was one. But if I have to choose one to start with, it probably started when I had my first relationship. I was 14, in ninth grade, and it was with a girl.
She was different. She was very smart and wise, a good combination of street smart and book smart. She was like from another worldā I never met anyone like her. Possibly because of our age gap, 8-years-and-a-half, I found my innocent self falling for her deeply. She brought so many things to my life and enlightened me. She was like a kind of book, full of chapters, always surprised you and you never wanted it to end.
I first met her when I was 12, at a kind of family trip that my mom went with her friend and their family and I just tagged along. It was a traditional Thai-Chinese family with a dozen boys and there were only two girls, so we had to pair up and shared a room. It was a short trip, but spending time almost 24/7 with her for 4 days, I enjoyed her company and the conversation. We connected in a way I never had with any other friends. Then itās the end of the trip and I didnāt even have her contact. We parted. I couldnāt stop thinking about her for two weeks after the trip. Very naive of meā I thought I just wanted a sister as Iām the only child. A year later, I met her again on another New Year family trip. I had a big smile greeting her and this time we were immediately drawn to each other like magnets and I was very happy to know that we were gonna be assigned to share the room again. But the different thing was that, I was so happy and couldnāt stop smiling. I remember I was very sad when that second trip ended. I wish I had more time…with her. A few months later, we met at a wedding. I knew I couldnāt let that chance go away anymore and we ended up exchanging our phone numbers. We finally started texting and calling after 2 years and a half of denying my feelings for her.
I didnāt know what it was. Itās a feeling that was very hard to explain and comprehend. I doubted myself and wondered if it was right and…okay. I was in denial at first but couldnāt fight it in the end. I only knew that I couldnāt stop thinking about her and wanted to know more about her. It was alluring like a kind of drug but coated with sweet caramel. It was extreme as if I wouldnāt be able to keep my heart in my chest. All the butterflies in the world were in my stomach every time I saw her. I fell completely for her brain, her grace, her wisdom, and her mysterious self. She was my first girlfriend, my sister, my mentor, and yes my first love.
š» Bangkok, Thailand
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