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April 26, 2020 by Dear Queerantine

Bangkok, Thailand

Bangkok, Thailand
April 26, 2020 by Dear Queerantine

Dear Queerantine,

Let’s give space to our stories

I’m not sure if it happens to a lot of us, but going back through time for decades, it’s very blurry. I didn’t even know how to describe the feeling at that time or if it was one. But if I have to choose one to start with, it probably started when I had my first relationship. I was 14, in ninth grade, and it was with a girl.

She was different. She was very smart and wise, a good combination of street smart and book smart. She was like from another world– I never met anyone like her. Possibly because of our age gap, 8-years-and-a-half, I found my innocent self falling for her deeply. She brought so many things to my life and enlightened me. She was like a kind of book, full of chapters, always surprised you and you never wanted it to end.

I first met her when I was 12, at a kind of family trip that my mom went with her friend and their family and I just tagged along. It was a traditional Thai-Chinese family with a dozen boys and there were only two girls, so we had to pair up and shared a room. It was a short trip, but spending time almost 24/7 with her for 4 days, I enjoyed her company and the conversation. We connected in a way I never had with any other friends. Then it’s the end of the trip and I didn’t even have her contact. We parted. I couldn’t stop thinking about her for two weeks after the trip. Very naive of me– I thought I just wanted a sister as I’m the only child. A year later, I met her again on another New Year family trip. I had a big smile greeting her and this time we were immediately drawn to each other like magnets and I was very happy to know that we were gonna be assigned to share the room again. But the different thing was that, I was so happy and couldn’t stop smiling. I remember I was very sad when that second trip ended. I wish I had more time…with her. A few months later, we met at a wedding. I knew I couldn’t let that chance go away anymore and we ended up exchanging our phone numbers. We finally started texting and calling after 2 years and a half of denying my feelings for her.

I didn’t know what it was. It’s a feeling that was very hard to explain and comprehend. I doubted myself and wondered if it was right and…okay. I was in denial at first but couldn’t fight it in the end. I only knew that I couldn’t stop thinking about her and wanted to know more about her. It was alluring like a kind of drug but coated with sweet caramel. It was extreme as if I wouldn’t be able to keep my heart in my chest. All the butterflies in the world were in my stomach every time I saw her. I fell completely for her brain, her grace, her wisdom, and her mysterious self. She was my first girlfriend, my sister, my mentor, and yes my first love.

šŸ‘» Bangkok, Thailand

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We know from personal experience that desire is complicated. And feelings often strike well before we have words to describe them.

Our goal with Dear Queerantine is to make space for these words, in all their rawness, beauty, and intersectionality. We can’t be what we can’t see, and it’s hard to express what we don’t know we can feel.

We want this to grow into a collaborative resource for all of us, now and in the future. But we need your stories first.

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